What if I told you I believe I have the key to true happiness and freedom from resentments and anger towards the person who abused you? Then what if I told you that you held the key to that freedom and happiness within YOURSELF, would you be willing to do what it takes to feel that happiness and freedom?
 
Good, now that you have said yes, what if I told you that I found that gaining that freedom and happiness was as simple as forgiving that person who abused me?
 
Now wait a minute Randy that’s asking a lot. Yes I know, and it was my biggest roadblock to true happiness and freedom as well.
 
Today, I can honestly say, that for me,  forgiveness has been the key to enabling me to find true freedom and happiness. And as difficult as it may be to consider, I believe that can be  especially true for survivors of abuse or anyone that has resentments and contempt for people that have harmed them.
 
Eleven years ago I would have laughed at that statement.
 
It seems that all anyone would say to me whenever I talked about how much I despised my abusers was – you just need to forgive, forget, and move on Randy. These are what I consider to be three of the most damaging words you can tell a survivor. My reply was always the same; you have no idea what they did to me. If what happened to me happened to you, you’d feel this way yourself.
 
Today I will say that in fact, one way  to achieve true freedom and happiness actually is to forgive and move on. However, that is a process that will take time. How much time is up to you, this is your journey. For myself it was about three years into my recovery, when I reached the place that I was finally able to fully forgive my abusers.
 
One of my biggest fears was  believing that forgiving meant condoning the abuse, or letting my abusers off the hook. I knew that my hatred and rage were poisoning me—while, ironically, having no effect whatsoever on my abusers. But I was terrified to let those feelings go, for they had come to define me. Without them I didn’t know who I would be. So how could I forgive them and give up the feelings that had kept me safe for thirty-plus years?
 
What I learned along my journey was that first and foremost forgiveness was solely for me and not the person that who had harmed me, and in forgiving, the chains that bound me to that abusive person were severed.  
Even more important in my view, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Josh Howerton, a pastor in Spring Hill, Tennessee, has stated my thoughts succinctly (with my comments following in parentheses) about what forgiveness is not:
 
1.   Forgiveness is not approving or diminishing the abuse or sin. (The sinfulness of the abuse never changes.)
2.   Forgiveness is not enabling the abuse or the sin. (Forgiveness actually defuses the power of the sin.)
3.   Forgiveness is not denying a wrongdoing. (It can never be denied that you were abused and hurt.)
4.   Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. (You forgive the abusive person , whether or not he or she ever apologizes.)
5.   Forgiveness is not forgetting. (You will never forget.)
6.   Forgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain. (It’s okay for it to hurt, but you just don’t stay stuck in the pain.)
7.   Forgiveness is not a onetime event. (Sometimes you need to forgive on a regular basis.)
8.   Forgiveness is not neglecting justice. (You can forgive and still pursue justice.)
9.   Forgiveness is not trusting. (You need to be exceedingly careful about whom you trust.)
10. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. (You are not required to allow your abuser back in your life to have a relationship with him or her.)[1]
 
Hopefully this interpretation of forgiveness will help give you a broader view about what forgiveness might look like, and will enable you to think about beginning to move forward towards the freedom and happiness you deserve to have. There is a whole chapter in my book Healing the Man Within dedicated to forgiveness. 

PS - If you want to be truly free and happy, start the progress of forgiveness today - it's a choice!
 
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[1]Josh Howerton, 10 Things Forgiveness Is Not, 2012, retrieved from http://www.bridgesh.com/.2012/01/sermon-note-10-things-forgiveness-is-not/.

Forgive! Why does this one word cause so much anguish and grief for people when in reality it should bring peace and happiness into one’s life? Can it be that most people have no idea what forgiveness really means? Or for that matter who the forgiveness is really for? Honestly, for many years I misunderstood forgiveness and have come to find that a large majority of people misunderstand it as well. Why? I believe it is a result of the way the church and clergy has presented it to the public and their congregation. It is my belief that forgiveness has been used as a fear tactic more than a method to achieve the ultimate happiness and freedom in ones life.
 
Who among you have either had these words spoken to you or have spoken them to others? “You just need to forgive, forget, and move on.”  These words are death words to many abuse survivors. I am going to ask you to never speak these words again to anyone. Now with that being said, with love I will say that in order to obtain true freedom and happiness, we must forgive. However, this is a process. How long of a process depends on the person and the amount of harm done to a person and pain that person is carrying. However, we will never forget.
 
For years, I wrongly thought that forgiveness is about the other person— that, somehow, if I forgave another individual, I was doing something nice for the person who hurt me. I thought it meant what they had done to me was okay. But that didn’t sound like a good deal at all, especially when it came to my stepfather and  mother.
 
To me, forgiving meant condoning the abuse, or letting them off the hook. I knew that my hatred and rage were poisoning me—while, ironically, having no effect whatsoever on my mother or stepfather. But I was terrified to let those feelings go, for they had come to define me. Without them I didn’t know who I would be.
 
The fact is, forgiveness is not about approving what others have done to us or trying to make them feel better about themselves. In fact, forgiveness doesn’t have much to do with the other person at all. The reality is that forgiveness freed “ME” from the emotional prison I had been trapped in for thirty-eight plus years. Often times the people we are holding resentments against have no idea we are doing so. The reality is that many of them have no idea that they have even hurt us.
 
My mentors believed and suggested that I never ask for forgiveness. I was advised not to go to someone and tell them I forgive them for a wrong they have done to me. First off, in recovery we make amends and then take action. The action is sitting down with people we have harmed, rather they think so or not, and apologize for the wrong we have done to them. Then we take the necessary action steps to not hurt that person again, never asking for forgiveness. Why you ask? Asking the other person to forgive us is requiring action on their part. Remember, we are the ones required to take action, not them.
 
Often times people have heard the words “I am sorry” come out of our mouth’s countless times. Thus, when we sit down to make our amends with them and they hear the words I am sorry, it is just more empty words with another false promise attached to it. They want to see a change in our behavior, not just empty words. Therefore, asking the other person for forgiveness is asking them to take action they likely are not ready or just flat unwilling to do. Their rejection of our request could send us spiraling right back down the rabbit hole of shame.
 
On the other hand, walking up to our perpetrator or someone that has done us harm and saying “I forgive you for___________” could send a victim of abuse spiraling back into a world of doubt and unbearable shame. Often times these kinds of encounters are met with words and statements such as; What are you talking about? I never did that to you. Remember this, forgiveness is for you and not the perpetrator. It is between you and God.
 
Now there is a caveat to this. If a person that has caused you harmed or abused you is to come to you and ask for forgiveness, then it is your responsibility to forgive that person. Intellectually we can forgive fairly quickly. However, the true forgiveness of the heart takes time. Remember it only took one day to get the Israelites out of Egypt, but forty-years to get Egypt out of the Israelites. Never forget that forgiveness is a process.
 
So, what does forgiveness mean?
Þ    Forgiveness means that we accept our pain. – Acceptance does not mean approval.
Þ    Forgiveness means that we accept responsibility for how our pain has impacted others.
Þ    Forgiveness means letting go of our “right” to punish another person.
Þ    Forgiveness means that we can no longer justify our bad behavior based on other people’s bad behavior.
Þ    Forgiveness means we wipe the slate clean.
 
What was more important to me was to know what forgiveness did not mean. Below is a list of what forgiveness is not.
 
1.       Forgiveness is not approving or diminishing the abuse or sin. (The sinfulness of the abuse never changes.)
2.       Forgiveness is not enabling the abuse or the sin. (Forgiveness actually defuses the power of the sin.)
3.       Forgiveness is not denying a wrongdoing. (It can never be denied that you were abused and hurt.)
4.       Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. (You forgive the abuser, whether or not he or she ever apologizes.)
5.       Forgiveness is not forgetting. (You will never forget.)
6.       Forgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain. (It’s okay for it to hurt, but you just don’t stay stuck in the pain.)
7.       Forgiveness is not a onetime event. (Sometimes you need to forgive on a regular basis.)
8.       Forgiveness is not neglecting justice. (You can forgive and still pursue justice.)
9.       Forgiveness is not trusting. (You need to be exceedingly careful about whom you trust.)
10.     Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. (You are not required to allow your abuser back in your life to have a relationship with him or her.)79
True forgiveness requires self-examination and the willingness to be wrong.  You don’t want to mistake sanctimonious false forgiveness for the real thing. Sanctimonious forgiveness appears when you seem to be forgiving another person but are only actually establishing your superiority. That is a common misunderstanding of the expression Be the bigger person. It only hurts you in the long run to pump up your ego by “forgiving” others because you are “bigger” than them. Don’t do that to yourself.
 
Being the bigger person requires you to have the strength to look inside yourself and find ways that you have wronged others. Being the bigger person means realizing that everyone makes mistakes, and your behavior is not the same as who you are. You can love a person and hate his behavior. True forgiveness requires you not to confuse the two issues. It means looking at another person and understanding that everyone does the best they can, but sometimes life gets the better of them. It means extending the same compassion to others that you give yourself. That can be exceedingly difficult if you haven’t learned how to first forgive yourself.
 
Okay, how do I start this forgiveness process? Start by first forgiving yourself. This is probably the hardest thing to do, however it is difficult, if not impossible, to forgive others before you forgive yourself. Cultivate feelings of love and appreciation for people whose behavior you don’t like. Without condoning their behavior, see if you can find empathy for the pain that hurt them so much that they feel they have to hurt others in order to feel better. Focus on the present and make space for peace to enter your life. Release the pain of the past, and let peace enter your life. Cultivate compassion. See if you can go beyond empathy and actually wish for happiness for the people who have hurt you. Again, you are not doing this for them. They won’t feel it; you will. As you allow love to grow in your heart, overtaking anger and hatred, you will find greater happiness and peace.
 
Whether you are a Christian, Buddhist, Native American, hold any other faith, or none at all, your path to an abundantly free and happy life is to forgive those who have harmed you, no matter what their offense was. Until you forgive, you are still hostage to your abusers. When you do forgive, you set yourself free. So, forgive, really? Yes.
 
To read more on Forgiveness purchase Randy’s book – Healing The Wounded Child Within – Randy has dedicated a whole chapter to the subject of Forgiveness.

PS - Click this link to get your copy of  "Healing The Wounded Child Within " on Amazon - 
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Wounded-Child-Within-Guide/dp/B07SPH7VCK/ref=sr_1_4?crid=29BATNXA8F9VY&keywords=healing+the+wounded+child+within&qid=1703541869&sprefix=healing+the+wounded+child+within+%2Caps%2C131&sr=8-4

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Understanding Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is a distressing form of mistreatment that occurs within religious or spiritual contexts. Unlike physical or verbal abuse, spiritual abuse targets the core of an individual's beliefs and faith, leaving lasting emotional and psychological scars. This phenomenon is complex, and its manifestations can vary, making it challenging to identify and address. Here, we'll explore the nature of spiritual abuse, its impact on individuals, and ways to foster healing.
Definition of Spiritual Abuse:
Spiritual abuse involves the misuse of power within a religious or spiritual setting to control, manipulate, or harm individuals. It can take various forms, including psychological manipulation, intimidation, isolation, and exploitation of one's faith. Perpetrators may use their spiritual authority to justify their actions, creating a toxic environment that undermines the victim's sense of self and connection to their faith community.

Another form of spiritual abuse and one I believe is even more damaging than the above definition, is the moment a child is abused, rather it is emotionally, physically, or sexually, the spirit of that child has been assassinated. If they are lucky and get the proper help, they can get their child spirit back quickly. However, for so many others, they will be lucky if they ever get it back. The good news is it is definitely possible with a good therapist, mentor or coach walking with them.
Forms of Spiritual Abuse/Church Hurts:

1. Authoritarianism: Leaders imposing strict rules and demanding unquestioning obedience.
2. Manipulation: Using scripture or religious teachings to control and coerce individuals.
3. Isolation: Separating individuals from their support networks to increase dependency.
4. Shaming and Guilt: Employing religious doctrines to induce feelings of guilt or shame.
5. Exploitation: Financial or emotional exploitation under the guise of spiritual guidance.

Impact on Individuals:
Spiritual abuse can have profound effects on victims' mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It may result in anxiety, depression, loss of faith, and a distorted self-image. The trauma from spiritual abuse can extend beyond the individual, affecting their relationships and ability to trust others, including within spiritual communities.
Recognizing and Addressing Spiritual Abuse:

1. Education: Raising awareness within religious communities about the signs of spiritual abuse is crucial for prevention.
2. Support Networks: Encouraging open dialogue and providing support systems for individuals who may be experiencing spiritual abuse.
3. Professional Assistance: Seeking help from mental health professionals, counselors, or religious leaders who are trained to address spiritual abuse.

Promoting Healing:

1. Validation: Acknowledging the survivor's experience and validating their feelings is a crucial step toward healing.
2. Community Involvement: Creating safe spaces within spiritual communities that foster healing and restoration.
3. Education and Empowerment: Empowering individuals with knowledge about healthy spiritual practices and boundaries can help prevent future instances of abuse.

Spiritual abuse is a profound violation that affects individuals on a deeply personal level. Recognizing its existence, understanding its forms, and actively working toward prevention and healing are essential steps in fostering healthy and supportive spiritual communities.