Why We Don’t Tell

​Have you ever wondered why a survivor of abuse never tells anyone what happened to them?  You are not alone. This is the same question that myself and nearly every man and woman survivor of abuse I have worked with has been asked. “Why did you not tell anyone?” This is a very legitimate question.
 
As children it was most likely out of fear as a result of something said to us by our perpetrator. It was only when I sat with my therapist and began working on and taking a serious look at that question, that I was fully able to understand and grasp the enormity of reasons I never told anyone. It is important to understand that not only myself nor any of the men or women I had worked with, were not going around with these reasons floating in the forefront of our mind. They were reasons that unbeknownst to us, were hidden and kept secret in the depths of our subconscious mind. I passionately call them the “innate survive skills” that God had instilled in us. I will be as bold to say that I believe these the survivor skills are God given gifts instilled in us at the time of conception.
 
In this blog I will share with you a list of reason survivors of abuse don’t tell.
 
Before I do, I want to briefly share two of my reasons I never told anyone. Both of these events took place in 1969.

• When I was 12 or 13 years old, I came home from school and my step-father was tearing  our house apart, screaming, yelling and threatening my mother. As I ran up and down the street knocking on doors and asking my neighbors to call the police, I was met with only one thing, a door slammed in my face. No one wanted to help me.
• I was seventeen years old when an argument broke out between my mother and I. I will not go into details here. As a result of things that took place the next day, my mother called the OC Sheriff on me. In my private conversation with the sheriff I expressed only one thing to him verbally – “but you have no idea what it is like living in this house!” The officers response was blunt and straight to the point – “I don’t care what its like living here!” Enough said.

 
So, the reasons we don’t tell seems pretty evident – if we do, people won’t care and people won’t listen to us. Shouldn’t that be enough reason not to tell? Especially when we can’t get people that should be protecting us ignoring our need for help.
 
All that being said, below is an extensive list of why victims of any kind of abuse don’t tell:
 
•       The “Societal Rules”
•       Don’t Cry - whatever you do don’t cry, I’ll give you something to cry about! Like we really need something us to cry about.

• Don’t ask for help - if I ask for help they won’t believe me
  • If I’m heterosexual they’ll think I’m gay and if  I’m gay they’ll think I asked for it and say I deserved it
• Don’t show your emotion - suck it up, be a man – the emotional pain we live with is overwhelming, yet we feel we can’t say anything
• Don’t show your weaknesses - we should have been able to protect ourselves or to admit it happened, would show you how weak I am. WRONG, to admit it happened shows how strong and courageous you are

•       We’re threatened as a child
•       Too young to put what has happened into words
•       We’re threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse secret
•       Feel confused by the attention and feelings accompanying the abuse
•       Are afraid no one will believe them
•       Blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
•       Feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
•       Worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble
•       The Granddaddy of all – SHAME
 
Something you might not know or understand is how we feel about ourselves. Thus here are four simple truths – Tainted – Disgusting- Dirty – Weak/ less than a boy, girl, man, or woman.
 
Be sure to read next week’s blog as we close out this month’s series on  April being Child Abuse Prevention Month.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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