RENEWING
BONDS
Seven Steps to Restoring Your
Relationship
ByRANDY AND CATHY BOYD
Renewing Bonds
Seven Steps to Restoring Your Relationship
Published by Heal and Restore Counseling
25968 W Wahalla Ln
Buckeye, AZ 85396
Copyright © 2024
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
© COPYRIGHT JUNE 2024- ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
ISBN: 978-0-9863987-9-7
Published by Heal and Restore Counseling 25968 W Wahalla Ln
Buckeye, AZ 85396
DISCLAIMER AND LEGAL NOTICES
While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your specific situation. You should consult a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. The purchaser or reader of this publication assumes responsibility for the use of these materials and information. Adherence to all applicable laws and regulations, including those related to advertising and all other aspects of doing business in the United States or any other jurisdiction, is the sole responsibility of the purchaser or reader.
This book is intended to provide accurate information with regard to the subject matter covered. However, the author and publisher accept no responsibility for inaccuracies or omissions. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any liability, loss, or risk, whether personal, financial, or otherwise, that is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, from the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
Table of Contents
DEDICATION –––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 6
FOREWORD ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 7
INTRODUCTION –––––––––––––––––––––––– 10
CHAPTER 1 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 14
REAFFIRM
CHAPTER 2 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 27
EXPRESS
CHAPTER 3 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 35
SUPPORT
CHAPTER 4 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 48
TALK
CHAPTER 5 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 56
OVERCOME
CHAPTER 6 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 633
RECONCILE
CHAPTER 7–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 71
EMBRACE
RESOURCES & OTHER HELPFUL
INFORMATION ––––––––––––––––––––––––– 79
ABOUT THE AUTHORS–––––––––––––––––– 80
DEDICATION
To our beloved children,
This book is dedicated to you, our greatest blessings, born from the depths of our struggles and nurtured by the resilience of our spirits.
In its pages, you'll find fragments of our journey—tales of trials overcome, hurdles conquered, and dreams pursued against the odds. Through every obstacle we learned, we stumbled, and we rose again, fueled by the unwavering hope for a brighter tomorrow.
We dedicate these words to you not to dwell on the hardships that we faced but to impart the wisdom gained from our battles. May you draw strength from our resilience, courage from our perseverance, and faith from our unwavering belief in the power of love and resilience.
As you navigate the winding paths of life, remember that adversity is not a barrier but a catalyst for growth. Embrace every challenge as an opportunity to discover your inner strength and unleash your potential in the world.
Know that you are never alone in your journey. We stand beside you, cheering you on, guiding you through the storms, and celebrating your triumphs, both big and small.
With boundless love and endless pride, Mom & Dad.
FOREWORD
It’s an honor to have been asked to write the foreword for this book. We have known Randy and Cathy for over 10 years and have witnessed some amazing things they have done personally and with couples in need. Their heart and love for people are so contagious. Carlos and I have looked to Randy and Cathy for guidance when it comes to helping others. Personally, Randy and Cathy helped me understand an individual battling addiction and the toll it took on the family as well as the individual. Being that Randy is a recovering alcoholic, he was able to give me insight and help guide me through helping my loved one. Having amazing people in your corner who have a love for people struggling with addictions, marriage, and mental health is nothing short of amazing. The Boyds are those people you want to keep near and dear to your life. If you haven’t met them yet, I invite you to hear their podcast Heal and Restore or get yourself one of the books they have written.
We were gifted their first book and read through it ferociously. We are so grateful for the exercises and the overwhelming amount of key “nuggets” they contained. But mostly, I was so intrigued by the invitation that was offered—the invitation to go deeper and grow in my relationship with myself and my spouse.
Carlos and I are going on 23 years of marriage. Our marriage has faced moments and seasons that could’ve easily broken us. The lessons of life that put a strain on our marriage include death, mental health challenges, and healing from our upbringing. Putting other things before my spouse and son almost led me to lose my husband. When we read the first book, How to Heal and Restore Your Marriage, I thought, “This is a good book for someone in need.” Then I realized this book is actually for me—to grow my marriage and add some new nuggets on how we can continue to grow. I realized I didn’t want to settle but to always grow and add spice to our marriage; Always adding resources to help us continue to grow our marriage and love for one another. We know that we are imperfect people who face life differently. Due to that, there were moments in our marriage where we had to fight a little harder. The struggle was real, but the growth and outcome were worth it.
As I stated earlier, Carlos and I dealt with many different things in our marriage that surely would have driven a wedge between us. In 2010, we welcomed our son into our lives, and I was hit with postpartum depression. I fell into a state of depression that made me feel useless. At the time, we were Children’s Pastors, and I felt so ashamed for how I was feeling. I didn’t know how to care for or comfort my own child. The shame of feeling that you can help others with their children of all ages, yet you hear your own child’s cry and go numb. Carlos daily affirmed to me that I was the best Mom for Samuel. I struggled with depression for eight years of my son’s life because of shame. I would talk with Cathy and Randy from time to time about it but in the third person. When I finally sought therapy, I was able to speak freely to Randy and Cathy about my struggles. I would share with them how my therapy sessions were going. Randy and Cathy were so encouraging to me during that season of my life. The struggles didn’t end there. From 2017 to 2021, we experienced 11 different deaths that could’ve easily driven us apart. During this time, we lost our brothers in 2017, 2019, and 2021. We felt so many emotions towards each other that were not good. During that time, we needed each other more than ever, yet we didn’t know how to express it.
If we can leave you with anything, it’s this: Learn to love yourself first, and don’t be afraid to seek out help. We are not meant to do life alone. God created a community for us to do life with. This book will get you on your way towards a fuller and healthier life. Growing yourself and your relationships only makes your world a sweeter place to be in. If you don’t know where to start, you’ve picked an excellent resource. Reaffirming Bonds is a love letter—a love letter to you and your spouse that provides hope that there truly is light at the end of any tunnel you may be in.
By reading this, you are taking another step in your well-being. And by you being well, your relationships, in turn, will be well. Once you read this book, you may be inclined to ask for a deeper dive. I know firsthand that Randy and Cathy will be there for you. You can contact them at www.healandrestorecounseling.com and let them help you take the next step to being a better version of yourself. I know we did.
Carlos and Kathy Paiz.
INTRODUCTION
We are not here to judge and as painful as your current situation may be, please know that many have gone through the process before and have come out with stronger and more fulfilling marriages, just like Cathy and I experienced. There is hope.
Our journey and what we've overcome not only qualify us to work with clients and write this book, but it also connects us on a deeper level. We're not just counselors; we're fellow travelers who have navigated the same stormy seas of marital challenges. This shared experience sets us apart, and there are few, if any, counselors who use our unique approach to help others heal and restore their marriages. We understand where you are because we've been where you are. Clients often tell us, "You're one of us. You understand and fit in, and you're no different. You're the same." We take that as a profound compliment, and it forms the foundation of what we offer.
As you very well understand, reading this book will not completely heal and restore your marriage, but it will open the door and put you on the path toward that outcome. In the coming pages, you will discover our creation: the H.E.A.L. process—hope, expectations, acceptance, and listening. This process is not just You have picked up this book for a reason—you know that, and we know that. Even in the worst moments, there is a flicker of light—and that light is hope.
We understand that hope can be a guiding light, offering comfort and the promise of a better tomorrow. When you commit to your spouse or partner, it begins with the hope of a bright future together. Whether that hope feels fresh or distant, it is possible to rediscover it, no matter where you are right now.
It is possible to regain that sense of a bright future.
Cathy and I firmly believe that, regardless of the struggles and challenges you face as a couple, it is possible to restore your marriage. Of course, this requires a mutual desire to continue. With dedication, your marriage can not only be renewed but also grow stronger and more resilient, fostering a deeper love, greater appreciation, and heightened respect for each other. This transformation takes time and effort, but it is achievable. We can make that bold statement not from an academic perspective but from a real-life one. We’ve lived it. We’ve been where you are, so we’ve created our practice and written this book from experience.
Marriage is not always the rainbows and unicorns you envision on your wedding day. Cathy and I married in 1983, and for the first 21 years, with the exception of a few tough times, we enjoyed a strong marriage. Despite being extremely successful and having a life beyond our wildest dreams, I (Randy) battled addictions and the lingering effects of childhood trauma. In November 2004, I crossed a line I said I would never cross. I had an affair, and the situation was made worse as Cathy learned about it.
I moved out and spent countless nights in tears. Then, on December 31st, Cathy sent me a text that would turn my world around: “I want you to come home.”
I was ready to return, and to this day, I feel incredibly blessed to have been given that second chance. But there was work to be done. Over the following months, we both sought individual and couples counseling. I share this not to delve into the details but to assure you that we have experienced challenges similar to or even more difficult than what you may be facing now.
It took Cathy’s willingness to forgive me, unconditional love, and my willingness to take full responsibility for my actions, along with persistent effort, to rebuild our marriage. Now, our relationship exceeds what we once thought possible. The same can be true for you, your spouse, and your marriage. You are not alone.
a theory but a proven method that has brought success to many, whether we're working with clients remotely or in person. We believe in its power, and we believe in you.
Cathy and I are Christians, and our faith has guided us through our challenges. However, we work with clients of all faiths and even those with no faith. When we use the term "faith-filled," it reflects the belief that drives us to help others heal and restore their marriages. Unless requested by our clients, our faith is not front and center in our counseling approach.
It is our fervent hope and unwavering goal that by reading this short book, you will not only be introduced to the concept but also embrace the possibility that your marriage or relationship can be restored. Hope is the part of faith that focuses on the future, and we want to ignite that hope within you.
You picked up this book for a reason. Even during your worst moments of despair, there's perhaps a flicker of light, a yearning to return to the days when your relationship was whole, amazing, and rewarding. It was something to be proud of and something on which you could rely.
We challenge you to keep that spark of hope and the dream of what can be. Turn the page and start the first chapter where we'll begin to unpack the H.E.A.L. process and explore what is possible for your relationship.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
~ Maya Angelou
BONDS
Seven Steps to Restoring Your
Relationship
ByRANDY AND CATHY BOYD
Renewing Bonds
Seven Steps to Restoring Your Relationship
Published by Heal and Restore Counseling
25968 W Wahalla Ln
Buckeye, AZ 85396
Copyright © 2024
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
© COPYRIGHT JUNE 2024- ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
ISBN: 978-0-9863987-9-7
Published by Heal and Restore Counseling 25968 W Wahalla Ln
Buckeye, AZ 85396
DISCLAIMER AND LEGAL NOTICES
While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your specific situation. You should consult a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. The purchaser or reader of this publication assumes responsibility for the use of these materials and information. Adherence to all applicable laws and regulations, including those related to advertising and all other aspects of doing business in the United States or any other jurisdiction, is the sole responsibility of the purchaser or reader.
This book is intended to provide accurate information with regard to the subject matter covered. However, the author and publisher accept no responsibility for inaccuracies or omissions. The author and publisher specifically disclaim any liability, loss, or risk, whether personal, financial, or otherwise, that is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, from the use and application of any of the contents of this book.
Table of Contents
DEDICATION –––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 6
FOREWORD ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 7
INTRODUCTION –––––––––––––––––––––––– 10
CHAPTER 1 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 14
REAFFIRM
CHAPTER 2 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 27
EXPRESS
CHAPTER 3 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 35
SUPPORT
CHAPTER 4 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 48
TALK
CHAPTER 5 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 56
OVERCOME
CHAPTER 6 –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 633
RECONCILE
CHAPTER 7–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 71
EMBRACE
RESOURCES & OTHER HELPFUL
INFORMATION ––––––––––––––––––––––––– 79
ABOUT THE AUTHORS–––––––––––––––––– 80
DEDICATION
To our beloved children,
This book is dedicated to you, our greatest blessings, born from the depths of our struggles and nurtured by the resilience of our spirits.
In its pages, you'll find fragments of our journey—tales of trials overcome, hurdles conquered, and dreams pursued against the odds. Through every obstacle we learned, we stumbled, and we rose again, fueled by the unwavering hope for a brighter tomorrow.
We dedicate these words to you not to dwell on the hardships that we faced but to impart the wisdom gained from our battles. May you draw strength from our resilience, courage from our perseverance, and faith from our unwavering belief in the power of love and resilience.
As you navigate the winding paths of life, remember that adversity is not a barrier but a catalyst for growth. Embrace every challenge as an opportunity to discover your inner strength and unleash your potential in the world.
Know that you are never alone in your journey. We stand beside you, cheering you on, guiding you through the storms, and celebrating your triumphs, both big and small.
With boundless love and endless pride, Mom & Dad.
FOREWORD
It’s an honor to have been asked to write the foreword for this book. We have known Randy and Cathy for over 10 years and have witnessed some amazing things they have done personally and with couples in need. Their heart and love for people are so contagious. Carlos and I have looked to Randy and Cathy for guidance when it comes to helping others. Personally, Randy and Cathy helped me understand an individual battling addiction and the toll it took on the family as well as the individual. Being that Randy is a recovering alcoholic, he was able to give me insight and help guide me through helping my loved one. Having amazing people in your corner who have a love for people struggling with addictions, marriage, and mental health is nothing short of amazing. The Boyds are those people you want to keep near and dear to your life. If you haven’t met them yet, I invite you to hear their podcast Heal and Restore or get yourself one of the books they have written.
We were gifted their first book and read through it ferociously. We are so grateful for the exercises and the overwhelming amount of key “nuggets” they contained. But mostly, I was so intrigued by the invitation that was offered—the invitation to go deeper and grow in my relationship with myself and my spouse.
Carlos and I are going on 23 years of marriage. Our marriage has faced moments and seasons that could’ve easily broken us. The lessons of life that put a strain on our marriage include death, mental health challenges, and healing from our upbringing. Putting other things before my spouse and son almost led me to lose my husband. When we read the first book, How to Heal and Restore Your Marriage, I thought, “This is a good book for someone in need.” Then I realized this book is actually for me—to grow my marriage and add some new nuggets on how we can continue to grow. I realized I didn’t want to settle but to always grow and add spice to our marriage; Always adding resources to help us continue to grow our marriage and love for one another. We know that we are imperfect people who face life differently. Due to that, there were moments in our marriage where we had to fight a little harder. The struggle was real, but the growth and outcome were worth it.
As I stated earlier, Carlos and I dealt with many different things in our marriage that surely would have driven a wedge between us. In 2010, we welcomed our son into our lives, and I was hit with postpartum depression. I fell into a state of depression that made me feel useless. At the time, we were Children’s Pastors, and I felt so ashamed for how I was feeling. I didn’t know how to care for or comfort my own child. The shame of feeling that you can help others with their children of all ages, yet you hear your own child’s cry and go numb. Carlos daily affirmed to me that I was the best Mom for Samuel. I struggled with depression for eight years of my son’s life because of shame. I would talk with Cathy and Randy from time to time about it but in the third person. When I finally sought therapy, I was able to speak freely to Randy and Cathy about my struggles. I would share with them how my therapy sessions were going. Randy and Cathy were so encouraging to me during that season of my life. The struggles didn’t end there. From 2017 to 2021, we experienced 11 different deaths that could’ve easily driven us apart. During this time, we lost our brothers in 2017, 2019, and 2021. We felt so many emotions towards each other that were not good. During that time, we needed each other more than ever, yet we didn’t know how to express it.
If we can leave you with anything, it’s this: Learn to love yourself first, and don’t be afraid to seek out help. We are not meant to do life alone. God created a community for us to do life with. This book will get you on your way towards a fuller and healthier life. Growing yourself and your relationships only makes your world a sweeter place to be in. If you don’t know where to start, you’ve picked an excellent resource. Reaffirming Bonds is a love letter—a love letter to you and your spouse that provides hope that there truly is light at the end of any tunnel you may be in.
By reading this, you are taking another step in your well-being. And by you being well, your relationships, in turn, will be well. Once you read this book, you may be inclined to ask for a deeper dive. I know firsthand that Randy and Cathy will be there for you. You can contact them at www.healandrestorecounseling.com and let them help you take the next step to being a better version of yourself. I know we did.
Carlos and Kathy Paiz.
INTRODUCTION
We are not here to judge and as painful as your current situation may be, please know that many have gone through the process before and have come out with stronger and more fulfilling marriages, just like Cathy and I experienced. There is hope.
Our journey and what we've overcome not only qualify us to work with clients and write this book, but it also connects us on a deeper level. We're not just counselors; we're fellow travelers who have navigated the same stormy seas of marital challenges. This shared experience sets us apart, and there are few, if any, counselors who use our unique approach to help others heal and restore their marriages. We understand where you are because we've been where you are. Clients often tell us, "You're one of us. You understand and fit in, and you're no different. You're the same." We take that as a profound compliment, and it forms the foundation of what we offer.
As you very well understand, reading this book will not completely heal and restore your marriage, but it will open the door and put you on the path toward that outcome. In the coming pages, you will discover our creation: the H.E.A.L. process—hope, expectations, acceptance, and listening. This process is not just You have picked up this book for a reason—you know that, and we know that. Even in the worst moments, there is a flicker of light—and that light is hope.
We understand that hope can be a guiding light, offering comfort and the promise of a better tomorrow. When you commit to your spouse or partner, it begins with the hope of a bright future together. Whether that hope feels fresh or distant, it is possible to rediscover it, no matter where you are right now.
It is possible to regain that sense of a bright future.
Cathy and I firmly believe that, regardless of the struggles and challenges you face as a couple, it is possible to restore your marriage. Of course, this requires a mutual desire to continue. With dedication, your marriage can not only be renewed but also grow stronger and more resilient, fostering a deeper love, greater appreciation, and heightened respect for each other. This transformation takes time and effort, but it is achievable. We can make that bold statement not from an academic perspective but from a real-life one. We’ve lived it. We’ve been where you are, so we’ve created our practice and written this book from experience.
Marriage is not always the rainbows and unicorns you envision on your wedding day. Cathy and I married in 1983, and for the first 21 years, with the exception of a few tough times, we enjoyed a strong marriage. Despite being extremely successful and having a life beyond our wildest dreams, I (Randy) battled addictions and the lingering effects of childhood trauma. In November 2004, I crossed a line I said I would never cross. I had an affair, and the situation was made worse as Cathy learned about it.
I moved out and spent countless nights in tears. Then, on December 31st, Cathy sent me a text that would turn my world around: “I want you to come home.”
I was ready to return, and to this day, I feel incredibly blessed to have been given that second chance. But there was work to be done. Over the following months, we both sought individual and couples counseling. I share this not to delve into the details but to assure you that we have experienced challenges similar to or even more difficult than what you may be facing now.
It took Cathy’s willingness to forgive me, unconditional love, and my willingness to take full responsibility for my actions, along with persistent effort, to rebuild our marriage. Now, our relationship exceeds what we once thought possible. The same can be true for you, your spouse, and your marriage. You are not alone.
a theory but a proven method that has brought success to many, whether we're working with clients remotely or in person. We believe in its power, and we believe in you.
Cathy and I are Christians, and our faith has guided us through our challenges. However, we work with clients of all faiths and even those with no faith. When we use the term "faith-filled," it reflects the belief that drives us to help others heal and restore their marriages. Unless requested by our clients, our faith is not front and center in our counseling approach.
It is our fervent hope and unwavering goal that by reading this short book, you will not only be introduced to the concept but also embrace the possibility that your marriage or relationship can be restored. Hope is the part of faith that focuses on the future, and we want to ignite that hope within you.
You picked up this book for a reason. Even during your worst moments of despair, there's perhaps a flicker of light, a yearning to return to the days when your relationship was whole, amazing, and rewarding. It was something to be proud of and something on which you could rely.
We challenge you to keep that spark of hope and the dream of what can be. Turn the page and start the first chapter where we'll begin to unpack the H.E.A.L. process and explore what is possible for your relationship.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
~ Maya Angelou